


Paint me White, Hide the Black

by Meluinth



Category: Attack on Titan
Genre: Artist/Singer/Violinist!Eren, But he's also amazing at them, CHANGED STORYLINE, Eren and Jean are still together in the beginning, Eren has had a shit life, Eren is hiding the pain, Golden retriever!Armin, Horrible!Jean, Husky dog!Mikasa, It'll add to the angst, Just not when it comes to his own feelings, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, Levi has had an okay life, Levi is an English major, M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Mentions of Rape, Multi, Rivaille is Levi's twin, Self Harm, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Top!Levi, bottom!Eren, collage!au, i'll add more tags as i go along, mainly in later chapters, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 04:19:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3964141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meluinth/pseuds/Meluinth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger's life has not been a kind one. At the age nine, he lost his mother - the only barrier protecting him from his abusive father. As a child he only knew pain and how to properly pleasure a person. When he was ten, he was forced to work in brothel on the sides of going to school, and he quickly rose through the ranks until he managed to pay off the debt he owed them.<br/>Only one person was ever there to truly know how he was hurt, and that person stabbed him in the back when he was fifteen and finally thought he was free.</p><p>Now at seventeen, he's managed to piece together his life and attends a prestigious collage. He lives alone, with only two dogs who has been with him since he was four for company. All that changed when he meets Levi Ackerman, a student that has recently returned from a years overseas study in France and taken an interest in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint me White, Hide the Black

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I want to continue but don't know if I should. If I do, the updates will be few and far between but I'll try my best. If you like it, please be sure to leave some feedback as it will help give me motivation. 
> 
> This is an all over the place fic tbh, what I'm trying to do is show the hints of darkness but keep it light so the characters seem how you'd expect them to be- except it's the opposite. (In later chapters it will become clearer)
> 
> ALSO, I've started work on the second (first) chapter and I've changed Eren's age for when certain thingshave happened to him.

I’m here. Again.

I hate it here, but then again, it’s not a place where the happiest people in the world are brought to be together.

No, it was a place for exactly the opposite people actually.

Trost Psychiatric Hospital.

A nut house basically.

I’ve been here before when I was younger, so I adjusted pretty quickly.The familiar pure white walls, the constant smell of disinfectant burning my nose and throat with a lingering air of craziness. The sights and smell of where somebody like me truly belongs.

Ah yes, nothing’s changed since I was last here – I even have the same doctor. But unfortunately, they’ve put me in a different room. The orderly said it was because there was still a slight blood stain on the floor when I tried to slit my wrists in there last time.

Oops.

But despite what you may think, I’m not crazy, not like that woman on the floor above me who has to wear a strait jacket because she says the devil is in her and blood must be spilt for him to claim the Earth and take revenge on heaven. And I’m definitely not like the man who, when a doctor was speaking to another patient and asked,

“Why did you throw the bottle at the wall?”

And the patient replied simply, “Because God told me to.”

The man who I’m speaking of, shot up from his bed and shouted angrily, “I said no such thing!”

Yes, I’m in a psychiatric ward, but I’m not crazy.

I’m just broken. Very badly. Like, into a million tiny tiny pieces broken.

But they say they can fix me, so I've just got to take their word for it.

Not that I believe them.

Fuck no, they could just make it worse. The only one who could have a hope of fixing me. I'm not allowed to see. He's still recovering in the hospital, but I've been informed it's just a precaution and he's all clear and was being released tomorrow.

He'll live.

So I'll try to get better for him. Just like I promised. The trouble was... It's so hard without him here with me, telling me how much of a fucking idiot I was for destroying my body.

 

I was pulled from my musings by the doctor trying to get me to speak again.

Not going to happen.

I don’t want to retell how I failed the one person who made me feel like I was important. Made me feel like I was worth more than taking everybody else’s shit and… that I mattered.

It probably sounds stupid.

But it’s true.

I let him down.

I watched him fall, and I couldn’t save him.

Though he was technically saving me. Funny how the world works like that.

“Eren, I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t get better then you won’t be able to see him again.” His name was Doctor Whitehall, he’s been ‘working with me so I can get over the trauma and move on with my life’.

It’s a load of bullshit. He’s here because he’s paid to be. He doesn’t really care.

Nobody does. Only he did. And I let him down.

My hands clenched in the black plastic chair I was curled up in, the motion didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor and he moved to sit behind his desk, sighing in exasperation at my refusal to even utter a word.

It’s been like this since I got here, me not speaking to anybody. If I didn’t speak nobody would get hurt, right?

“Eren, I need to understand how you’re feeling and how you saw what happened so I can actually help you. I know you don’t believe me when I say that, but amazingly, I and everybody else here do care.”

My eyes flicker up to him, wincing as the light hit my ashen and hollowed face. I hadn’t been eating a lot. It all tasted like cardboard compared to what the one who protected me made.

“We found the piece of broken glass under your mattress,don’t think we don’t know you started cutting again. Levi wouldn’t like that is he found out, would he?”

No.

How dare you say his name you fucking pig?!

“And now you’re not eating either… Dear me, you’ll be causing him so much worry if he found out.”

Doctor Whitehall moved and sat behind his desk, placing his elbows on the table top and lacing his fingers together to made a cradle in which he could rest his chin. His long dirty blonde hair fell in front of his eyes and he peered at me with his electric blue eyes from the rim of his glasses. I could see a small smirk on his lips, he knew the name would make me react.

And despite how much I longed to prove him wrong and continue my silence, he opened my mouth to lick my chapped lips, swallowing thickly even though my voice still came out rough and scratchy.

“You have no right to say his name.”

Whitehall chuckled, his deep voice echoing around the spotless white room.

“So he finally talks, at last. You sound so much older then when you last saw me here.”

I shot him a deadly glare, my fists tightening so much that my knuckles started turning white and my breathing began to get ragged. “Calm down Eren.. Please, now you’ve spoken, why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I… Can’t.” I reply brokenly, all my anger leaving me and making me slouch low in the chair. I’ll admit, I have grown to trust Dr.Whitehall, and he did have me the last time I was admitted so I know him.

At each of our sessions he would get me to talk, but I would again refuse, so he would talk to me about pointless things, getting my expressions back so I wasn’t suck behind fifty walls, all of them chained and padlocked. And while he didn’t break them, he managed to chip them so with him at least, I would show something other than blankness on my face and in my eyes.

But with him pushing like this… I could tell he was being pressured to get results and his patience was wearing thin, though he never showed it.

“Why can’t you Eren?” He asked kindly, his pen making rapid scratching nices on the paper as he wrote notes down.

“I.. Failed him.. If I talk about it, I’m reliving it.. And I'm failing him again.”

I explain in a quiet voice, knowing the explanation was weak but I found it hard to explain how I was feeling inside. I just… Couldn’t.

“I thought that might be the problem, so I want you to try something for me. Tell me about everything, no matter how trivial, but instead of using personal words such as ‘I’, try using ‘he’ instead. Tell me the story of a boy named Eren Jaeger and what he went though.”

I looked up at him, slowly uncurling as I thought about it.

I could do that.. I could tell the story of a boy named Eren, because it wasn’t me in those situations, it was just another boy who happened to be called Eren.

The story of how a broken boy eventually put his trust in somebody to piece back the pieces of his life.

Taking a deep breath I prepared myself, as did Dr. Whitehall, and looked up at him with a spark in my eyes.


End file.
